To me breastfeeding is more than just providing milk. It’s about bonding & attachment. Breastfeeding is sacred & special. It’s calming & relaxing to me, or at least it was with Rowan. But my breastfeeding journey with twins has not been calming or relaxing. It’s been stressful & overwhelming.
When I was pregnant with the twins I told myself that I had no idea what our journey would look like. I didn’t know if I would pump or if Ollie would even be able to breastfeed, or how long I’d even try to breastfeed &/or pump. I didn’t want to put so much pressure on myself but then I started nursing Bodhi & remembered how much I love it & how much I missed it. I really wanted to exclusively nurse Bodhi & be able to pump for Ollie but my body just couldn’t keep up, it just wasn’t working.
Something else I haven’t really talked about is how hard of a baby Bodhi is. He is really needy, cries a lot & is always uncomfortable, even while nursing. Which is why nursing hasn’t been the experience I wanted. It’s been really hard to bond with him because of this. His crying triggers my anxiety which makes him cry more. He is a lot like me - an empath so he feeds off my stress and anxiety. It’s a vicious circle we’ve been in for weeks. But the last 2 days he has been getting bottles of pumped milk & has been much happier, smiling, crying less, & he even started talking! Which, as you can guess, makes me less anxious and stressed. It saddens me to make this decision but seeing how much happier Bodhi is has confirmed my decision to stop nursing & start exclusively pumping for both babies.
The most important thing to me is to provide my own milk to both babies and to accomplish that, I need to stop nursing Bodhi & just pump for both. It’s been a very hard decision & something I have been fighting for weeks. I have tried all of the things to make nursing work & it just doesn’t feel like it’s the right decision for us anymore. I know “fed is best” & we’ll be supplementing with donor milk as well. This just feels right. There’s a sense of peace & calming over me for accepting this & making this decision. Now I can spend more time bonding with both babies & making happier memories ♥️