[I was going to post this on @goodbodygoodbody but decided to post it here instead🖤] • I went to the doctor. Now I know I weigh 269 lbs. At the height of my eating disorder in the winter of 2012, I weighed 125 lbs. I now know that I weigh well over double that today. Yes, I know I can opt out of being weighed. Yes, I know I can ask to not know my weight. In the moment I froze. I did what the nurse asked. I saw that number. I saw her see that number. My heart rate jumped. My palms got sweaty. My face became flushed (I had a mask on so no one knew that part). I sat down in the exam chair, acutely aware that i could barely fit in the seat. I felt my body push up against the arms. I felt myself brace for them to break or bend or snap. I immediately knew it was time to take care of myself: breathe. Notice. Confront the fear in my head. Affirm myself. Affirm myself. Affirm myself. All while talking at length with the doctor about something completely unrelated to my weight. Sometimes my body forces me to live in two worlds at once: the one in my head and the one outside of it. Sometimes I have to read two scripts at once, like two hands playing two separate parts of a piano: one out loud and one in my head. After the doctors visit, it took a few days for the sting to settle and for me to know again what I’ve always known: my body is a good one, the perfect one for me. It’s okay to be fat, to be bigger than I once was, to not want to be a pound lighter: which is the truth I know when I’m at my best and my shame is not activated. I want to tell you what I know, and if you need it I want you to pick it up for yourself: you are lovable beyond measure. It is possible that you are loved BECAUSE of your body— believe that. Take it in. Know that a whole universe of people love the way you look. You do not have to love your body or even like it— but I hope you can grow to not hate it. To feel neutral about it. Your journey with your body is YOURS. No one else’s. Tell me your favorite affirmations. The ones you tell yourself and the ones you tell those you love. The ones you found on the internet and the ones you found deep inside yourself.